just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
