i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
