Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
