Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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