I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
