there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
