I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
