I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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