How'd it feel making her break her religion?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
