Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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