I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
