I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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