My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
