and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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