It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
