Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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