my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
