How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
