I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We left an ass print on the piano.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
