i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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