I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
