i would punch a child for taco bell
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
