i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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