That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
