i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
