I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
