Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
