i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
