Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
