I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
