oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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