woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
