Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
