i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can I color on your dick again?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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