that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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