we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
