how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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