the condom got lost in my hair
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
