why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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