The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
