i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
