I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
