We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
