if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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