someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
