The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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