Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
