i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
