giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
