i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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