Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
