She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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