apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
