we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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