if you like me you must not know who I am
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
