Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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