i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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