Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
