Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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