Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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