the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We have started to decorate penises.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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