I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dicks are not precious.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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