I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
