Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
