I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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