we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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