I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
