y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
