So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Vodka?
Forever.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
