Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
