I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
