My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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