just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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