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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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