I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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