Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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