my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
