i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
